Ghoulish crackfic
by Kirigiri Kyouko
Summary: I don't know what happened here, but rated M for bad writing. Warning, this is pure crack and a lot more pure than my last TG fiction. Also, bilingual weaboo to freak out the purple.


**Dark: *look of horror* I have no clue what happened here, but this exists now.**

 **Moon: *Equal look of terror* Yes, now it does. Sadly this is the longest piece without commentary at the beginning...**

 **Kat: Get over it. This is the land of deep now. Where only anime and fan fiction logic exist. Or, just pure crack. Probably just pure crack...**

 **Dark: This, for some reason is in celebration for the near 200 Views on King of Games. Don't ask why, this just kind of happened. Also expect an new series soon. Also reviews are drugs for us, and we own nothing excepting our own insanity.**

 **Everyone: *shuffles away quickly***

Our story starts with Authoress-Chan and her adorable Kat being bored in English class once again. Not that it was hard or their teacher was mean, but they are authoresses and have already gone over all of this stuff. So their benevolent teacher let them leave class to go do another interview with possibly fictional characters.

"Who's on the list today Kat?" The Authoress-chan asks her darling Kat.

"Kaneki Ken," she replies, reading the name. Of course, who else but the darling insane cinnamon roll could be on their list of interviews. The Authoress nods in acknowledgement, and they then happen upon their first victim.

"Tsukiyama Shuu! We have questions for you!" Miss Authoress shouts at the Japanese-French-English-Spanish-Italian-man-child.

Said purple people eater stares at them in surprise before rushing away. The Authoress stands still as he hurries down the street. "Ummm, shouldn't we follow him?" Kat asks.

"Nah, we'll find him later," the Authoress responds and starts walking down the street towards the 20th ward.

"How are you so sure?" She asks, staring up at the Authoress.

"Well we walked from the middle of nowhere in America to Tokyo Japan in barely a conversation through plot convince, so why not run into the gourmet again through it?" The Authoress responds.

By now they're standing in front of Antikeu, and had spent a little time talking in front of there. "Ready?" The Authoress questions as they walk into the coffee shop. The Authoress walks them up to the counter and orders a frozen hot chocolate and a miniature version for the miniature Nemo human hybrid. "Could Kaneki please bring our drinks to us?" The Authoress asks Touka.

"How do you know Kaneki?" She asks suspiciously in response.

The Authoress grapes at her. "Really? What Authoress doesn't know him? Especially an otaku Authoress," she replies aghast.

"What, has he actually published anything?" She replies sarcastically.

"No, of course not! He used to be too shy but now he's too homicidal with Kanou and his favorite villainous authoress who just so happened to write all of this in a book," The Authoress explains with enthusiasm. "Besides I don't think you'll believe this is a popular anime and manga series written by a sadistic mangaka," The Authoress rushes in hopes that Touka won't question it.

Thankfully someone clears their throat behind them and they are saved by the investigator. Kat sees that it's Amon and stares at him with her creeper face. Th Authoress takes them to a table for four and settles in to wait. Amon soon sits with them and stares at the tiny Kat on The Authoress's shoulder. "What is that?" He asks, pointing at her.

She glares at him. "Woah, rude. Not all of us are completely human. Plus it's rude to make fun of people of either and or any gender or gender identity for how they identify. Also, we're asking the questions here, not you," she growls at him.

He stares at her with wide eyes before quickly apologizing, then staring at the two expectantly. "Okay so, how do you feel about creating more orphans?" The Authoress asks immediately.

He stares at her blankly for a few moments before regaining his composure. "They're ghouls, inhuman monsters who prey on people without restraint," he recites in a monotone.

Kat stares back at him just as blankly. "You Jerk! How could you say that so carelessly? When you entered into the story you helped your men to to viciously murder the parents of a little girl who only wanted to be normal and viewed her life as a tragedy because she spent it watching innocents who hunted down those who only ate suicide victims who wanted to disappear, because they didn't want to kill those with a will to live! And-"

She continues with the twisted morals and how awful ghoul life could be for the good until Kaneki shows up with their drinks. "Please stay and sit for a moment," The Authoress asks Kaneki. He stands for a moment, and then sits next to them cautiously. "So, you wanted to have a conversation with that detective, right? Well, here he is, and the best part is, he won't say anything to his higher ups because this is a crack fic, and I say so," The Authoress offers.

"I knew it! The plot lined up too much, I'm a sue!" He shouts in sadness. Sadly, no one can disagree because he is a torture sue, the worst kind.

Kat's little Neko eyes widen with realisation. "Wait, you said 'Sue' the female form. Are you no longer a Stue? Has your body healed like Rize's?" She asks him with her tail flicking back and forth just so.

He looks down and blushes. "Y-yeah, my body heals back l-like Rize's," he admits shyly.

"Awwwww, you poor baby," The Authoress says while hugging the sobbing eyepatch. Kat jumps onto the table and watches as a purple yandere rushes to the table.

"Kaneki, Mon amour, what's wrong?" He cries while shoving the Authoress to the floor.

"What was that for you bete baka! I was comforting my toats sugoi idol-u, who has super love love sadness tragedy back story with more feels than paint it white and then the second part of my ship which causes a tremalo in my chest throws me to the floor? Watashi don't pense so mister!" The Authoress shouts at him.

He stares at her blankly. "What language is that? Ce n'est pas l'anglise! Or French, Italian, Japanese-" he begins to freak out.

"That's bilingual violist peekaboo, which only a few can speak, namely tumbler," Kat responds cheekily. "Now there's no escape, perform the fan service!" All of the Tokyo ghoul characters stare at her blankly. She hands a list of names to each of the people. "Now profess your undying love!" She glares at them, as if daring them to disagree.

So they do until Kaneki gets to Tsukiyama. Then Hide interrupts. "No Kaneki, you're making a huge mistake! I love you even though you're a ghoul!" He shouts. And then to create a perfect scene, the Authoress does a scene change to a talk show room. Hide continues his rant, oblivious to the scene change. "Do any of you actually care that he was human once? That he became a ghoul against his will, just look at this! Look at this!" He shouts showing all the scenes of Kaneki torture throughout the anime and manga, and then some doujins and various fan art.

"W-w-wait! Hey, no! Don't go through that! I-I-I'll write you to the wolves! Or better yet, Kanou's lab! That is my personal shippi-" The Authoress is cut short by them all reading the pure smut never to be published. Slowly, looks of horror come over their faces until Tsukiyama is the only one left reading. "...And this is why Tsukiyama turns the whole thing to porn... That's it, no more. Our interview failed to crack and this insanity. We leave you now with the mental scarring," and with that all of the Tokyo ghoul characters involved simultaneously awoke from the same "dream."


End file.
